Retirement in Panama December 11, 2008
Posted by Ken Newton in : Life in Panama , 1 comment so farWhat a great morning. It is as expected, about 22 degrees C, a few clouds, sun starting to shine on the slopes of the Volcan Baru and the Calderra mountain range. The whole cacophony of so many birds that we still do not recognize. In a few minutes, the beauty of the morning will be shattered by the movement of squirrels making their way into the fruit trees in front of the house, and my time of silent awe will be replaced by unuttered curses and despise of these hairy rats. I will then spend the next 30 minutes thinking of ways to smuggle my pellet gun into the country disguised as tube of toothpaste. For now, all I can do is throw stones and yell obscenities and derive some small satisfaction of a near miss…
We love this place. We love to wake up in the morning. I remember not all that long ago waking up each day exhausted after a restless night’s sleep, thoughts of problems at work first on my mind. I remember going to bed the night before thinking I might better stay awake to make the hours pass by slower so as not to bring on the new day. I remember conversations with Lynda that had nothing to do with her emotions or interests. All while sucking down a coffee that I would question ever having within a few minutes. I certainly took no interest in the sounds and life and innocence of the new day, and for not doing that, denied God any voice in shaping the day ahead and quieting a troubled mind.
Here in Panama it is different. I am wrestling somewhat with the argument that these changes are only possible as point of retirement. Retirement has been one of those words that I ponder only in relation to my dad - how he had targeted age 65 as the official date of retirement, and that, until then, he would work hard and long every day (and often night) as his life’s highest priority. I don’t dispute that he loved what he did, even as a corporate executive working for pennies on fat company margins. But I somehow have to think that, for all that he found good in life, it fell short of the real meaning of the day.
Most days, within the context of these new experiences of pace and interests, I find myself asking if this is retirement. I despise the question, and that I am actually trying to rationalize who I am, who I am with, where I am, what I do, as a state of retirement. Simply, this is not. Correctly, this is an adjustment by choice. Choices that have not been easy along the way. Many choices that have felt like loss and forfeiture. Choices that would not seem rational, at least not in having defined terms of livelihood. Choices that have brought about changes for which I still do not have an understanding or a corresponding system.
So, I find myself in a state of adjustment. For what we don’t have anymore, we worry less. For the hard changes of language and culture, we are invigorated by the challenges. For the movement away from self-interest, we see people and need differently. Instead of return on investment, we act impulsively. Where we fought for those limited moments of crash and burn, we experience quiet and company by choice. We savor health and range of emotions that are influenced not by our pseudo-work identity, but within the priorities that we define independently, and as we apply non-religious faith to the unknowns of this season.
Retirement is sole confinement, darkness, isolation, denouement. This is not my setting or experience. I am not counting days (although I do lose track of dates), nor am I waiting for the next sliver of light or plate of food under the door. As we are settling into life in Panama, we are finally seeing clear for what should have been until now, and not for what isn’t left in life.
I wish I could find the way to tell you how incredible this really is!
Panama – One Month In… December 9, 2008
Posted by Ken Newton in : Life in Panama , add a commentWhen you buy a car, you typically take it in for an inspection after putting on a few initial miles. If it is a new car, it’s more about warranty. If it is a previously owned car, you want to be sure everything is running as was described by the first owner, and that there are no surprises that might have been concealed or simply not considered.
Lynda and I have been in Panama for a month, and I am bringing in my first experiences for some diagnostics. This is probably a good time to do it, because we have put on enough “miles” for a reasonably valid assessment, and we are not “needing the car” for the next few weeks as we return to north america to spend Christmas with family.
My hands are starting to toughen up. There is a good assortment of fresh scrapes and bruises, and some longer term callouses beginning to form. I like what they represent, because there is nothing more gratifying than taking the land and converting it into something practical to existence. After 18 years of managing 4 hours sleep a night, I am enjoying a solid 8 hours, amidst strange night noises and early-rising roosters. I have reduced my coffee intake from 9 dishwater cups to 3 outstanding cups of coffee made from freshly roasted local beans.
We are experiencing friendships, not in relation to an institution and its expectations of community, but out of each new day’s activities and coincidences. People we are getting to know better are proving to be real and compassionate. There is no end to spontaneous acts of kindness, and it is so contagious that we find ourselves planning our days around how we can add value outwards.
We have learned how to shower using less than one minute of hot water. We are learning what insects to be concerned about and what is simply movement across the floor or under the furniture. We know that there is nothing better than a fresh-picked mandarine or grapefruit to start the day. We understand the concept of cardboard and eggs. We no longer think we are losing our memory because we have no idea what day it is, let alone date. (I think that is because for all of our lives our week was in relation to Sunday, and now with every day a Sunday, what does it really matter unless you have a train to catch).
Life is no longer assumed. Access to stuff is limited. Disposable income is non-existent. Frivolous expenditure, for that matter, is not an option. Sacrifical giving is an option, and there is a big difference. Both can lead to some form of consequence, but one feels a lot better doing, and does not prey on the conscience.
We have had to change up hard on what we thought we had financially as different than what we find ourselves with. Like so many others, our retirement savings were detonated with all that is happening in the world economy, and with what we had, the government made sure they took their share so as to be certain we would ultimately end up requiring social assistance of some form. Monthly financial support from another source that we had calculated into our first year coverage of our living costs never materialized. So, after one month, we realize that we have been way off on our projections of income, and there has been no option other than to better define our needs in the context of a new culture, and manage to that.
I guess the analogy to the car on the point of finances is that we have found an important part of the car’s operation to be defective, but are going to have to defer the repair and drive less until the resources are in place to correct the problem. But, we still get to drive the car for absolute requirements, and while not in use, we can keep it clean and take care of all the other components. Ah yes - another analogy…. We know someone who knows things about cars, and will offer his time to do the work for us and expect nothing in return.
Continuing….
We miss our kids and grandchildren. I know I miss the business of every day, because that is what my life has been, right or wrong, before now. Idle time and a compulsion to some corporate obligation that is no longer present leaves me feeling short on meaningful contribution, even though it is meaningless. I miss greater options. I miss status and admiration that only came from what I did, and not who I was. I know we will always want to be with our family. But I also know that very quickly, given the terms of our lives here, and the better values and genuine affection of our new friends, the other stuff is going to dissipate.
Lynda and I are still discovering each other within all of this. There has never been any question for us in making the decision to live in Panama that we both want to do this. How we are processing it now that we are here is where there is some separation and ambiguity. But, with that, and with me working harder on my tolerance and appreciation of Lynda’s ideas and feelings, we are enjoying a new dimension of communication and respect and love for one another.
Great things are ahead. The “car” is in pretty good working order. The prior owner took pretty good care of things, but often neglected the really important things. The tires are down to the tread-wear indicators, but they can wait a little longer to be replaced. Meanwhile, we will watch more closely for potholes and sharp objects, and be on the lookout together.
Chicken and Hydroponics December 8, 2008
Posted by Ken Newton in : Life in Panama , 1 comment so farYesterday we did church at someone’s home in Boquete. There were about 30 of us, and with desserts and coffee starting off the occasion, we then sang a bit, watched a Brian McLaren video, discussed it, prayed for one another, then continued to enjoy one another’s company. Lynda and I met some new people, and enjoyed sharing stories of our journey to Panama.
Today I got to spend most of the day with Steve. Steve is behind the concept and development of a retreat center called Selah. It’s primary purpose is to provide a place of refuge and restoration for church leaders who find themselves in a state of burn-out or need for new inspiration. A few days ago Steve heard of a great deal on some wood that was surplus to a shipment to France. Beautiful, exotic red-colored wood that was in sufficient quantity to be crafted into doors using a local mill and craftsmen. He bought it, and it was dumped on his property in El Frances. I texted Steve this morning offering to help him carry the wood into his bodega so as not to be damaged by rain. I had no idea what lay in store.
This was not a pile of 2X4’s. It was rough-hewn lumber, in lengths that weighed in at about 300 pounds, I figure. It totalled about 1300 linear feet. Four and a half hours later, we had moved it the 50 feet or so into the bodega. Another 4 hours later, as I sit at the computer typing, I realize how badly out of shape I am. The good news is my heart is still beating, but the rest of my body would probably prefer to take a hiatus.
While with Steve out on his property, which is probably about 20-plus hectares in size, he showed me the work-in-progress of his hydroponic farm, which will be a major source of food supply for his family, neighbors, and Selah. Steve has figured out how to create this symbiotic connection amongst chickens, fish, algae, and vegetable plants. Personally, the only thing green I can actually say I like to eat is asparagus, but the simplicity of this farm, and its incredibly low cost of construction and operation, continued to solidify my shift in things that matter and their worth. Life does not have to be complicated, costly, or with an imbalance of surplus. Community and care easily connect in with life basics. Pleasure can be derived in dividends through simple solutions. The cycle of life gives itself readily to our needs.
I have started thinking more seriously than ever of what life would be like here in a more formalized manner. Finding a piece of property, building a house, living in community that stresses self-sufficiency and the additional capacity to add value to the lives of those in proximity. To participate in developing concepts and be part of exhilarating opportunities to engage the land and help people in ways other than a financial contribution to a missions appeal. Real life without sacrifice once you figure out that little in life has anything to do with sacrifice. Live as you need to live but while assuring the greatest capacity to care for others. Most of us live as we want to live, typically above our needs, and with nothing remaining for the greater need about us. I am not excluding myself from this observation.
Until now, I hope. It is a hard change. I think it is for the most part impossible while resident within the american norm. Too many options and too many better things to acquire. But if one could only place some distance between that and come to experience a different culture like Panama, I believe the chance to change increases. I like what I am experiencing, and how my values seem to be changing up. Moving wood and seeing a chicken coup being constructed for the purpose of impacting lives has moved me forwards towards a yet undefined destination.
My Neighbourhood Church December 6, 2008
Posted by Ken Newton in : Life in Panama , 1 comment so farI realized today that I have begun to redefine efficiency and the measure by which things are accomplished. I consider today’s achievements to have been most successful. Over the course of 6 hours, we moved mountains.
The first task of the day was to pick up our passports from the immigration office in David. We had left our passports with the department yesterday as a requirement for them to approve a new multi-entry visa, and had been told to come by at 10:00 a.m. today to get them. We arrived on time, only to find out that the passports were not ready. Somehow we managed to convey our disappointment, at which time an officer produced our passports and stamped a page with the multi-entry visa stamp. The same person yesterday could have simply stamped our passport while we stood at the wicket. Instead, we had to come back the day following for them to stamp our passport as we stood at the wicket. But, we got our visas and we did it all by ourselves!
Feeling luck was on our side, we set out to our bank to try (once again) to obtain a PIN. We have an account, a debit card with the same bank, but no PIN. We have been working on this issue for the last 13 days. Today was our day. Under tight security and in hushed tones, out of a massive file bearing our names, we were presented with a secret document containing our PIN. It felt like we had won the lottery!
With everything suggesting nothing could go wrong today, we located the closest ATM and with shaking hands, we inserted our debit card, and while looking nervously over our shoulder, entered our new PIN. It worked - we actually withdrew some cash. We were delirious with the second success of the day!
The point is this. If I were to have expectations of achievement based on my standards and the culture within which I have spent most of my life, I would be terribly disappointed with things as they are unfolding each day here in Panama. And so that same shift must occur for how I evaluate the church institution here and its form and objectives as so different from what I have embraced every Sunday of every year of my life. And, I must say, thank God for this new season of my life where I can shake loose of the 4-part do-church thingy week in and week out, and begin to experience care and fellowship in a simpler way. And not with standard indices of attendance and offerings and baptisms as yielding the competitive edge. Not that any measure is defective; and so I say these things not as critical. But care and community in true form, selflessly, and without any expectation greater than the fact that God uses us mostly within pure relationships, and not some process guise.
I think I drew closer to God today. Not for getting my multi-entry visa, and not for being able to out-think an ATM, but for another reason. As Lynda and I drove up to our house, we noticed that our fence had been repaired. I had mentioned in a previous article that a cow had taken down about 50 feet of our fence. My plan was to repair it, but I first had to learn how to do it. Fences are very different here, and are made from the land, not from materials purchased from Lowes or Home Hardware. But someone beat me to it. We don’t know who. It has to be a neighbor somewhere down the road. Most likely from one of the homes that has no electricity or running water. Not that those mean anything for repairing a fence. But what roars is that someone who has very little, had so much to give with no expectation of anything in return.
My little neighbourhood is a church…..
A Song of Joy December 5, 2008
Posted by Ken Newton in : Life in Panama , add a commentAhhh… the beauty of a MacBook Pro - sitting outside in the darkness, the sounds of the night busy all around. And the only light comes from my screen and the incredible keyboard with the lit keys. The only thing Apple needs to figure out is how to stop the bugs from landing all over the screen. Very distracting to see parts of your screen coming to life….
Not so great a morning. We had to go to the Immigration office to obtain our multi-entry permit. This is something that is required when traveling in and out of the country while your visa is in process. Typically it costs $50, but in order to obtain it, we found out that we were being fined $100 each because our last one had expired while we were last out of the country. Another 2 hours at the office going through paperwork and payments (only cash, no checks or credit cards), and we are once again legal. We figure it is nothing more than a scheme to generate revenue. While our visa is in process, we are given temporary identification cards called tramites. As long as the visa has not been approved, we have to keep renewing our tramite and, if we have any intent of being out of Panama (like spending Christmas with our family), we have to also obtain a multi-entry permit. In other words, delaying the approval of our visas results in more revenue to the government.
On our third attempt today, we found a different unsecured wireless network in front of a cafe. We quickly read as many emails as we could and answered a few with some short responses. We long for the moment when we will have our own internet access where we can relax over the keyboard and ponder the words of our emails. And take the time to check for grammar and spelling errors. I can’t stand generating any correspondence that someone else can fault for a spelling mistake….
I took a really great picture today. Until early afternoon we had lots of sun. We noticed that almost every house had its laundry hanging on lines, over chairs, porches, and just about anything off the ground. Everything has been so damp and wet until today. So Lynda jumped into the cultural mode, washed some clothes, and proceeded to hang everything on our outdoor clothes line. The picture I took is of Lynda with her basket of clothes pins, surrounded by flapping sheets and every kind of wearing apparel imaginable. And she looked so happy.
In fact, I know she is happy. Later in the day, as I was outside assembling a small grill, from within the house I heard Lynda singing. It was about the nicest sound I have heard. It was so happy and pure. It was from deep within her spirit. She was happy, and I don’t remember her singing in a way that made me smile just for hearing her voice….
Life isn’t all that easy here. We struggle hard for lack of so many things that we once took for granted. We are frustrated beyond words for our inability to communicate with neighbors and people we pick up along the road - mothers with children who would otherwise walk for miles to go to school or pick up food at the closest grocery store. We miss our children and our grandchildren. We miss water pressure and dry sheets. But life is also absolutely wonderful. Our closeness to one another is so new, even after 36 years of marriage. The daily adventures are worth every perplexing and annoying moment. The people in Chiriqui are so kind and unselfish. The opportunities we have to connect and to care give us fulfillment. Nothing significant…. Little things… cardboard.
Tomorrow will have its new difficulties. Tomorrow will have its new adventures. And tonight is just for sitting on the porch, typing in the darkness on my Mac. It just doesn’t get any better.
Cardboard and Eggs December 4, 2008
Posted by Ken Newton in : Life in Panama , 3commentsWhat a great day….
We decided today that we needed to buy a table and chairs - you know, the things you use to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. The house we are renting is quite nice, but it was missing a few outdoor items, like a table and chairs. So, we drove into David, and found something that stood out amongst the others (which isn’t all that difficult). As everyone knows, a car is a means of transporting not only people, but anything that might fit in or on it. So, on to the roof went the table, and with it tied through the windows and Lynda keeping an eye on things, we drove home with our exciting new possessions.
By the way, how’s that for de-toxing. If anyone knows me, they will know that I take great care in the appearance of my car, and to have something sitting on the roof making microscopic scratches or even more, took a considerable amount of effort on may part.
When we arrived home, the first thing we noticed was that the cows from across the road had decided the grass was greener on the other side of the road. Our fence was down, and, with all of the rain we have had, there was overwhelming evidence of the cows visit with a multitude of 6 inch holes in the yard. I have yet to see what foliage was their preference, but it seems they were not interested in the orange and grapefruit trees.
All that aside, we unloaded the table and chairs and proceeded to assemble the table. Surprisingly, everything was as described and in exact quantities as stated on the assembly instructions. But when all was accomplished, we had a great deal of cardboard packaging to dispose of. We had been told that cardboard is very important for use in stoves, so we bundled it up and headed down the road to a home whose chickens and roosters always assured us an early start to our day. We stood in front of the home with our cardboard and waited for someone to notice us. Almost instantly a lady came out and beckoned to us that she would like the cardboard. We had connected..
As we gave her the cardboard, she talked excitedly to us in Spanish, and we had to tell her that we could not understand. She then ran back into the house and reappeared with 3 eggs. She touched her heart, smiled at us, and gave us the eggs. How can I ever start to say what we felt….
Anyway - we “talked” for another 15 minutes or so. We learned some names of plants. We agreed that we would buy eggs from her instead of buying them from the grocery store. And we agreed that we would try to learn Spanish if she would try to learn a little English. It is amazing how one can communicate by looking into the eyes, and using a means other than vocabulary to “talk” to one another. And, her name is Catalina.
If only all of us could share and listen to one another with the effort and emotions and care as it takes to communicate without knowing the other’s dialect…. I am learning that I have not been a good listener before now.
And, as darkness settled in, Lynda and I had a wonderful candlelight dinner at our new table. Not so much the dinner, for indeed it contained green, yellow and red peppers, carrots, onions, pepper, chicken and a bed of pasta. Healthy yes - KFC, not even close….
But the wine and the candlelight and the company were magic. And, it didn’t rain….
Faith and Action December 1, 2008
Posted by Ken Newton in : Life in Panama , add a commentMaybe we will find an internet connection today and I can actually post some blogs that by now are getting somewhat stale….
We woke up this morning and the rain had stopped. Looking at the cloudy sky, it is likely this is a short reprieve. Nonetheless, the lack of sound of falling rain is sweet - we are finally hearing the different morning sounds of rushing river waters, birds and other animal life. And we can see the mountains that are ever so close, but have been hidden by the rain and clouds over the past weeks.
And, with this ephemeral change in weather, we also find ourselves processing this adventure in a more positive light. Literally, I guess. It is so interesting that one’s thoughts and perspectives can be so shallow that they are influenced for the good or bad simply by the color of the sky. Maybe that’s good, as it also allows you to come at issues from both sides of the emotional axis. Regardless, we continue to consider the reasons we find ourselves here and to what extent they are valid and genuine.
I would like to say they are without any selfish interest. How noble would that be… But one of Panama’s greatest allures apart from its beauty is its lower cost of living. Ex-pats are here because raising their families or retiring has significant economic advantages. But certainly the dramatic change from the american way of life and its untold comforts cannot rest simply on cost considerations. There has to be something more.
Lynda and I came for more than the ability to retire. We are here to experience community and to add value within community. Not that we can’t experience community of one form in america, but the bent there is self-interest first and others second. I don’t care what church or religion speaks as setting itself as the exception. It seems more a choir gown of righteous care and strategic components by which people are taught community, but in reality, the life and expression remain unaltered. Community is masses of people and activity without perpetual care and selfless behavior.
There is no question that millions of people are influenced by their faith for the benefit of those around them. Religious ideas are the foundation of many activities that go outside of the standing life american process. But I am not attributing my living in Panama to religious ideas, although I would be the first to say that my faith calls me to care for the needs of others. I say that because for the time I have spent working in different churches, the relentless effort of preparing for church each week felt like it accomplished little as reinforcing our very purpose as a church. For whatever reason churches in america are complex systems structures, as often argued to be the means by which church can accomplish change, they are competitively driven by forces apart from the church in vying for the time and financial commitment of the masses. And with that, the means pre-empts the ends, and statistics do not constitute the right measure.
I am beginning to believe that for whatever good I might bring into this new Panamanian adventure, it isn’t just about faith. To attribute self-sacrifice to faith exclusively is defective. Faith does motivate, but in itself, it is not the exclusive ingredient for goodness. Caring actions come of an inherent human bent to benefit others. The difference is what I do here I think comes from having actually taken the time to dig deep into the soul, apart from the business of the american culture, and tap into that core. And not rest solely on what religion has people understand their role, varying from reading the Bible in preparation for Sundays to making the added effort of attending a mid-week teaching session. Most times with nothing in between.
I want to vest that inherent ethical tendency in as many opportunities of care in real community, enhanced by personal faith. No distractions. No dilution of doing church. No wasted effort.